Humorous Quotes
An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. - Will Rogers
Man must sit in chair with mouth open for very long time before roast duck fly in - Chinese Proverb
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. - Johnny Carson
One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one. - Ann Landers
Black holes are where God divided by zero. - Steven Wright
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it. - Steven Wright
Hell, by the time a man scratches his ass, clear his throat, and tells me how smart he is, we've already wasted fifteen minutes. - Lyndon B. Johnson
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. - Will Rogers
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. - Will Rogers
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. - Gore Vidal
The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." - Disraeli
When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states. - Will Rogers
It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope. - Pope John XXIII
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? - Steven Wright
Schizophrenia beats dining alone. - Oscar Lavant