Steven Wright Quotes

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Steven Wright

Birthday: December 06, 1955
Category: American Comedian
Type: Comedian
National: American

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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me,...

At one point he decided enough was enough....

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them...

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a...

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was...

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?...

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you...

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press?...

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time....

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier......

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under...

Hermits have no peer pressure....

How young can you die of old age?...

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included....

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck,...

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol....

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple....

I got this powdered water - now I don't know...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street...

I had to stop driving my car for a while......

I have an answering machine in my car. It says,...

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here'...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to...

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who...

I intend to live forever. So far, so good....

I invented the cordless extension cord....

I like to reminisce with people I don't know....

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play...

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone....

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights,...

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a...

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They...

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization...

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future,...

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a...

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering....

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When...

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me...

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any...

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a...

I went to the museum where they had all the...

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose....

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done....

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography....

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put...

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at...

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses....

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like...

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?...

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody...

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the...

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?...

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is,...

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out....

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost....

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted....

On the other hand, you have different fingers....

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the...

So, do you live around here often?...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved...

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me....

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday....

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on...

What a nice night for an evening....

What's another word for Thesaurus?...

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction....

When I was a kid, I went to the store...

When I was a little kid we had a sand...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,...

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that...

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?...