Henny Youngman Quotes

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Henny Youngman

Birthday: March 16, 1906
Deathday: February 24, 1998
Category: American Comedian
Type: Comedian
National: American

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When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say....

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The...

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so...

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a...

Do you know what it means to come home at...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram...

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave...

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses...

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time....

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two...

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one...

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I...

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving....

If my mother knew I did this for a living,...

If you had your life to live over again, do...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be...

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my...

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash....

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses....

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then...

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the...

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way....

She has a wash and wear bridal gown....

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match....

She's been married so many times she has rice marks...

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We...

Take my wife... Please!...

That was the first time I saw a horse start...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey...

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret....

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door...

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted...

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno,...

This man used to go to school with his dog....

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's...

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money....

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave...

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation,...

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I...

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it....

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want...

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering....

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for...

You have a nice personality, but not for a human...

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready....

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery....

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